Last night I had a very good, very long conversation with a very good friend of mine. She is someone I can talk to about anything and everything, and we are just different enough that she can provide some really invaluable insight that I wouldn't be able to see on my own.
This particular conversation was centered on my adoption and my new relationship with my birth mom. Let me be clear that my friend was very supportive, and this post is NOT about her. But while we were talking, a thought popped in my head and I want to know what you, my readers (I'm thinking I have one or two...), think about it.
Let me preface this by saying that I recognize that opinions are based on experiences. It's hard to put yourself in another persons shoes. Where I'm coming from is likely a very different place than where you are coming from. But I'm willing to listen and I want to know what you think. So here goes...
Throughout my life, when people find out that I am adopted, their first question, almost inevitably is "Do you know who your birth Mom is?" and/or "Do you want to find your birth parents?"
My answer has always been pretty consistent. It goes something like this, "Well, sometimes I'm curious, but I know who my parents are. The people who raised me."
Honestly, I didn't think that I would ever be found or ever find my birth parents for two very specific reasons. 1) I couldn't believe that someone who gave me up would want to find me or be found. 2) Even if I wanted to find them, I didn't think it was possible without hiring a private investigator, which, to be honest, I really couldn't afford.
The part you need to know now is that I WAS found, and no private investigator was needed. I may share more of the story at a later date, but the details really aren't needed for this discussion.
So before I digress even further, the issue (again) is this: When people find out that I am adopted, almost all of their questions revolve around my birth parents. Ironically, the questions that I really can't answer (or couldn't answer) because I really didn't know much about them.
But now when people find out that I am adopted AND that my birth mom found me, the questions have changed. Now people tend to ask questions about my adoptive mom:
Is she/he upset and/or angry?
How does she/he feel?
And I also get a lot of comments:
But you already have a mom!
But you already have siblings! (I now have a blood half-sister and brother.)
Your family is here.
Why did she (birth mom) try to find you? Tell her to leave you alone!
You don't have to let her (birth mom) into your life, just because she gave birth to you doesn't give her the right...
You have to make sure that your Mom (adoptive) knows that you love her.
You have to reassure your Mom (adoptive) that she will always be your Mom.
I'd be angry if I adopted a kid and their mom got in touch with them...
Let me clarify that these comments and questions come from MULTIPLE people, not just one person. Please don't feel singled out! I am NOT targeting one specific person. If you felt this way, know that you are NOT the only person that felt this way.
So here is what I want to know:
Why does it seem that people are more concerned about my adoptive Mom then anything else, including my right and curiosity in knowing more about where I came from, and undeniably who I am?
Without a doubt, I love my Mom. My adoptive Mom. We can include "Dad" in that statement too. I know full well who raised me, who spent countless nights walking the floors with me, who spent countless hours changing stinky diapers and cleaning up vomit, who drove me to piano lessons and who forced me to clean my room. I know full well who took me to church every week, attempted to instill their values in me, had many a sleepless night when I broke curfew, and who walked me down the aisle on my wedding day. My parents are irreplaceable.
But at the same time, I didn't ask to be adopted. I had no control over the situation. I don't blame my birth mother or my birth parents for playing a role in my adoption. I know that it had to be that way. But I didn't ask for it.
And now that I've been "found", why does it feel like people don't want me to get to know her? Why is the focus on making sure that I don't hurt my parents (the adoptive ones)? Why do I have to fight for my right to know about where I came from? Why does every little action that I make involving my birth mom need to be scrutinized? Why does it matter if it was me or her who asked if we could exchange some pictures? Why does it matter if it was me or her who asked if we wanted to meet in person sometime? And why, above all, do I have to support her (my adoptive mom) in this? WHY doesn't she need to support me? WHY?
I had no choice about being adopted. I can live with that.
But now that I'm an adult, why does it seem like I still have no choice? That people think that I should live in the dark about WHO I AM because I might hurt my parents feelings? Why should my knowledge about my birth parents be limited to less than one full sheet of paper - and even that had incorrect (albeit minor) information on it? Why do people try to make me feel guilty for wanting to explore the other side of my life?
Why do I feel like I have to fight for the right to hear MY birth story. You know, the one that your mom told you about how excited she was when her water broke, or how many hours she was in labor? Why do I have to listen to my adoptive Mom say that she always knows what my brother would do (the one she eventually was able to conceive and give birth to), but she could never figure me out because I was adopted?
Why do I have to reassure other adoptive parent that their child will likely always love them? That their child will always, first and foremost, think of them (the adoptive parents) as their true parents? That their child won't have the desire to meet their birth mom eventually? That the birth mom will be a decent person? I CAN'T make those promises. I don't know the answer. There is not a one-size-fits-all answer to your questions.
WHY can't people accept that I can love BOTH of my moms? Why does it seem that people think that only one mom is of value? Why do I have to choose which mom is more important than another? Because let's be honest here, looking at it from a true biological standpoint, I wouldn't exist if my birth mom never actually gave birth to me. If I didn't exist, then my adoptive mom could never have taught me and loved me the way that she has. I can't be the person that I am without BOTH of them.
WHY?
Give me some answers here, people. I'm hurting today, and I don't think I should be. If it's true that my parents (however many there are of them) want me to be happy, then why can't people accept the fact that learning about my birth family makes me happy?
Parents who are expecting their second child often wonder how they will ever be able to love that second child as much as they love their first. Miraculously, once that child arrives, there is more than enough love for that child too. And that same miracle occurs for each additional child, be it the 3rd, 4th, 10th, or even 15th child. There is always enough love to go around. A child is capable of loving more than one set of parents. Really!
The more I write, the more frustrated I get, so here's the part that is likely going to cause my computer screen to burst into flames because of all the hate mail I'm likely to receive. If you have adopted a child or are hoping to adopt a child, get over yourself NOW. If you dare to enter the world of adoption, open your eyes and realize that there is a chance, there is always a chance, that one day your child will want to know more about where they came from.
Know that they might not care if YOUR great-great-great-great-great grandparents came to America on the Mayflower - because as much as that relative will be family to them, there is a very good chance that they will also be wondering about the great-great-great-great-great grandparents that they are related to through blood.
Don't tell them that the fact that they are loved is all that matters... because it's not going to hold up very well when they are answering for the umpteenth hundredth time in their life if there is a family history of cancer, and the only thing they can say is "I don't know. I was adopted."
And above all, don't tell them that you will support them in finding their birth parents if you don't think you can handle it. Because guess what? YOUR CHILD is the one who is going to need the support. If you truly want to help them, you're going to need to put your feelings aside, and focus on your child and their needs.
You chose to adopt your child. You said you did it out of love. Now prove it. ADOPTION DOES NOT END WHEN YOU SIGN THE PAPERS.
Help your child COMPLETE themselves IF they have a desire to do so. Maybe your child won't. Maybe they will. Maybe they'll be like me and never think that anything was missing until they actually DO find their birth parents. Because until I was found, I really had no idea of how much I was missing. But there was a hole. An undeniable hole. And you don't know what it is when you are a child, or even as an adult. You think it's normal. But then the missing piece comes into your life, and all of a sudden, you're complete. And you think, "OH MY! Is this what other people feel like all of the time, because wow, I really didn't know what I was missing." Because you don't.
The saying goes something like this, "Adoption: It's about love." Is it really?
Sometimes it feels like it's about an unselfish girl who willingly gives her baby to a loving couple whom she believes will raise that baby the best that they can and provide that baby with things that she knows she can't. And sometimes it feels like those loving parents get some kind of superiority complex that they are wonderful and all glory and laud and honor and LOVE should be given ONLY to them because they saved you from what they deem would be a miserable life. Or maybe it's more accurate to say that sometimes it feels like the general population thinks that the adoptive parents are the ones who deserve all the credit, because you would be nothing if it wasn't for the adoptive parents. Sometimes it feels that way. Sometimes.
I know that every adoption has it's own set of circumstances. I know that I can only speak for myself.
I guess I'm just feeling rather broken because I can't figure out why people seem to think that the "other" part of my life is not important. And why they think they get a say in it.
So there's my rant. Go ahead and rant back, it's only fair.
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ONE TINY DISCLAIMER:
My feelings as they are described today apply to an adult adoptee who may be dealing with finding their birth parents. I have a different take on the situation if a MINOR child is involved. Also, my specific circumstances involve a CLOSED adoption. I think that the situation is different if you are involved in an OPEN adoption (which is what happens a lot these days). Since I am not a minor child, nor have I adopted a minor child, and I can only speak to how I felt when I was a minor child. I have NO experience with a OPEN adoption either, so I'm not going to say much about that either. Every situation and experience is different, and I can only share MINE.
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